Learning from tragety and a funeral

I was reading a counselor who was instructed what to say and what not to say at a funeral of a tragedy. I created a note highlighted below in blue as a response. I think it is easy to say the wrong thing at a funeral. We may know the survivor or maybe we know the deceased. We may or may not know both of them. 

With each of us, there is our first funeral. I know many people who never going to funerals. My first funeral was at age 16 when a childhood friend had died with two others in a car accident. More and more people are getting cremated. More and more people are not connected to a church. Many people do not even like to talk about death. Many children are not encouraged to go funerals. Family seeking to protect the children also keep children ignorant about death and loss. For many adolescents,  funerals are first attended at the death of the schoolmate killed in an accident or suicide. With little experience and knowledge, they have to encounter death so tragic we are all wresting for understanding.

Nobody is encouraged to read the Scriptures and learn from the Lord about these things and there we are grasping at the wind.

The counselor went on to encourage the reader not to say anything to offend, but in essence really not saying anything except I am here for you. Which in itself is a good thing to say at a funeral especially if it's true?

This is what the counselor said 

What NOT to say:

• “I know how you feel.”
• “I understand.”
• “I’ve been there.”
• “This reminds me of when I… (your personal experience of tragedy).”
• “I’m sure God has a reason for this.”
• “I know that (the person who is gone, hurt, etc.) is in a better place now.”

I suppose each line there can be anger - do you!

Here is my response in part not to be said at a funeral. Loss and death are big issues. I quote ancient wisdom that should force us to battle this in our brains. Each funeral should teach us something and give us wisdom regarding our own death. Only in God can our spirits rise to heaven upon death. We need God.

(I get it, to listen. But to not say anything may not be of the Spirit either. We are to grieve with those who grieve. We too may be experiencing the pain of the loss. There are words of comfort. We live in an age that encourages ignorance and non-offense. We refuse to learn at funerals. 

Consider Ecclesiastes 7:2-4

2 It is better to go to a funeral than a feast. For death is the destiny of every person, and the living should take this to heart. 3 Sorrow is better than laughter because sober reflection is good for the heart. 4 The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning, but the heart of fools is in the house of merrymaking.

Also Ecclesiastes 8:17 “NET© then I discerned all that God has done: No one really comprehends what happens on earth. Despite all human efforts to discover it, no one can ever grasp it. Even if a wise person claimed that he understood, he would not really comprehend it.” 

We are to wrestle with these things not avoid them. The Bible reveals more and our loss should drive us to seek God’s wisdom.

Instead, we cremate and are quickly encouraged to move on. Many now avoid the experience altogether. Ignorant, not learning, we ignore our own death and refuse to come to the Lord. Reeves) Keep walking

What AA was in the beginning...

Me I am working on my problem, but isolation and denial are not
part of the solution, being accountable, successful steps, and support are. 

Bob Smith one of the founder’s of Alcoholic Anonymous said the 12 steps was based on the study of the Good Book. Looking at their ideas is nothing like the 12 steps of today. Over the years the ideas have become more vague and humanistic as the government has taken over the program. The personal God of the Bible has become a higher power that could be anything or nothing.

Bob Smith’s ideas were:

·       Accountability

·       Qualified sponsor

·       Small group discipleship group

Isolation made the sin worse and strengthened the temptation.  “Dietrich Bonheoffer emphasizes the dangers of isolation: “Sin demands to have a man by himself. It withdraws him from the community. The more isolated a person is, the more destructive will be the power of sin over him.”  

Here is a good thought to Facebook - You’ve heard the commercial: “Friends don’t let friends drink and drive. I have a new one: “Friends don’t let friends shipwreck their lives because of sin.” Robert Gallaty with ReplicateMinistries.org

We all have sin so discernment isn’t judging. We are just coming to terms with sin’s destructive powers. Alcoholism, Obesity, Sexual behavior outside the marriage all lead to harmful consequences. Having personal accountability, successful strategy, and support are pretty good ideas. Keep waalking

Loss can be very hard...big part of who we are

My dad and still have coffee
He would laugh at this

One therapist shared with me as I was dealing with depression that eventually all therapy deals with loss and leads to the ultimate loss of our own mortality. Loss in life is hard and painful. I read an article today, Running Away From My Grief–Literally By Alicia Sparks 

Alicia has some good ideas, but I believe we should take time to grieve. Getting back into our life will happen but grief will happen and it is normal. We may have an idea of 30 minutes then I will move on. 30 minutes may work for a sitcom but it won't work for grief. I believe it gets in-touch with needed emotions that we need in loss. Grief like love is to be experienced. I can't say I like the experience but I needed it just the same. 

From the Bible death is our enemy because of sin and the fall all experience it. Some may become aged and welcome death but for many death comes to soon. There is an immediate separation between the living and the dead. The desire to have one more conversation, one more cup of tea or coffee. Regret and re-do-over, I wish...all come into play. 

If grief is hard you know you loved the one departed. If grief is not what others experience, know that like every other experience each one is as unique as a finger print, a snow flake. 

Grief has its limits. For the Christian their is hope in eternal life, there is a reunion where we will recognize our love ones and continue our relationship with them. This is called in part the Christian's hope. "To be absent from the body and present with the Lord".

There seems to be a common grace where grief eases up and we are able to move on. We are not alone in this experience and we are comforted by others in their experience with grief. 

Alicia shares nine things which you can look at the link below on how to use running to help your grief. I might add you can use biking, walking, swimming in the same way. 

I few ideas I gleaned was

1. Honor and respect the one lost.  Ken Bruen's Jack Taylor from "The Guards" respects and honors his father's memory. His fathers love of books and love for him makes Jack a very human character you care about. But his mother was harsh and sucked the life out of others. Jack can not respect and honor her loss and it may be that which hooks him into alcohol and prevents him from making intimate connections with loved ones. He can not change who his mother was nor gloss over it. It is the stuff of abuse and betrayal. Honor and respect helps us moved to a good place with those who are gone, but if something happened that hinders us we may need help to forgive or let go the negative impact on our lives. 
2. Talk to your loved ones while you walk or run. Me I talk to my dad when I feel like it and I have a cup of coffee on Saturday mornings in the very kitchen we used to have a cup of java. I think we all talk to our love ones or am I wrong here?
3. Do something for them. In NCIS Gibbs works in a work shop in his basement doing different projects where his lost family memories are kept, his ex partner Mike. I believe working wood is a therapy for him. Tommy McDonald has a work shop program where he keeps a picture of his sister lost early in life. I think there is something to this. Alicia writes about running for your loved one. Doing something with our bodies I think will help us process grief. 

Any way some thoughts I hope you find helpful. Keep walking

Safe place and time to heal our burdens

Let's start with a few good quotes I have found in my surfing the net and reading.
Here is a quote that could fit any mystery novel with a male lead, "A woman came in, looked around, moved to the counter. I wished I was more than I was." Jack Taylor, author Ken Bruen. Simple wording of a complex feeling.
Here are two inspirational quotes to think about:
"We build to many walls and not enough bridges" Isaac Newton I find it is a lot easier to build walls.
"To ease another's burden is to forget one's own." Abraham Lincoln
Truly is a great thought, but can we forget our burdens? When I look at the photos of Abraham Lincoln in office you can see what stress did to him. The fact is despite his personal cost he went beyond his burdens to help others.
The Apostle Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 1:3,4, "Praise the God and Father of our Lord

Kindness and care mean a lot

Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and the God of all comfort. 4 He comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any kind of affliction, through the comfort we ourselves receive from God." Our burdens are used to help others. Empathy and compassion don't come easy for us. The things we go through can stretch our heart to care and understand. 2nd Corinthians has great insight into the ministry of caring for others and how suffering relates.
Burdens and suffering can have a long term effect on us. Lincoln had to serve and it cost him. He was not in a time of healing but in a time of great conflict and suffering. I think there are times when we are in the middle of conflict where there is no time for a retreat. A child in rebellion, a spouse fighting a terminal illness, the stress of serious surgery or in a war where one has to fight, run withdraw to survive. A child or spouse in an abusive relationship where they are lost in a forest and can't see through the trees. The burdens are costly and heavy. We can only forget so long before they eat us inside.
We need a place that is safe and a time to heal and come to terms with our burdens.
Peter quotes Ps. 55 in 1 Peter 5:7, "casting all your care on Him, because He cares about you." We can't keep our burdens, we have to give them to the one who loves and cares for us. Finding friends who have learned from their burdens and understand yours and great to share and talk it out. We can't stay in war or in an abused relationship, we need safety to begin to heal.
I am not sure it is discussed, but hospitals are thought to be safe places yet in them we may face our greatest fears. I think of it the same way I think of "shell shock". Hospitals can be a warzone for our health. Some of the things I went to has given me some insight into this. If you are in hard time in your life, put on your team of care friends, doctors, nurses, Psychiatric support to get you though this bad time. "There is a friend that is closer than a brother" and you can "cast all your care on Him, because He cares about you." Keep walking
 

Perfect grandchildren - I'm not lying! Happy 4th

Yesterday I played a round of frisbee golf at Freeport, Il. With my son's family. There is a great park and course there that will be a challenge for any disc player and walking the course is challengeging for any old man. The kids grilled a great meal and my grand children were perfect. It was a good day.

Today I was a little under the weather but I am perking up.
Looking at my twitter contacts I looked a feed on body language and the speaker shared using a power position for two minutes can change the chemistry in our brain to an outgoing person willing to take risk and face challenging situations. You can check out the science of it.
http://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes_who_you_are.html?source=facebook#.Udio0HgoumA.facebook
At the hotel I walked to a Leslie Sansone video on YouTube. Yesterday I used my walking stick to walk the disc golf course. I am rehabbing my knees and I don't want to fall. The walking stick helps a lot for me to reduce my risk. I was reading a Holmes mystery and he and Watson use walking sticks for defense and walking the 19th century streets when I think about it would have been way more uneven that our walkways. Myself I have always found the cracks. I have seen people use poles to include a full body workout. Maybe I should get a stick with a sword inside. OK that may be a little over board. I know I can use a walking stick better on soft trails than paved.
I was looking at a full page ad to have freedom from all religion in the Chicago Tribune. I imagine the foundation that sponsored the ad did so in major papers through out the country. What is not stated is the idea that group wants everybody to adhere to their point of view. In a real sense a lack of freedom. Anybody who has God in their thinking and reason will be outside the lines. The founding fathers could not have been more diverse. Who today would not love to be in a local pub with those guys to listen and debated the wonderful ideas they discussed. Excluding God is not the answer, infact keeping the dialogue open may lead to bigger and better ideas. The old boys quoted in the articles had read the Bible more and heard more sermons than most people today attending religious services.
What I like about many of them were their ideas on walking, fresh air and exercise.  They debated these things too. Keep walking

visitors for the month

My good looking Son

Welcome to all of you who visited the fatman's blog this month.

United States	1736
Algeria	32
France	17
Russia	17
Philippines	15
Germany	12
United Kingdom	12
Ireland	10
Australia	8
Bahamas	6   New to the blog are visits from Ireland and Algeria. Not factored in are hits from another part of the Carrebean and hits from Europe. I was visiting sites with different languages and used the translator an pooff I was able to read blog or site in English. That really blows my mind as we used to say back in the day. Keep walking

had a setback...don't give up

Reading our Daily Bread yesterday, David C. McCasland titled A Letter from C.S Lewis, a correspondence dated some 52 years ago in which a then high school student asked Lewis about was he tempted when writing the book Screwtape Letters. Lewis wrote the book during WW2 about a senior demon advising a junior demon about a hindering a man who just came to faith. I remember Lewis commenting on the popularity of the book which he felt people owned but did not read. I recommend you get a copy and sit in your reading chair with a cup of tea and have a read. After 40 years I have recently reread the book.

McCasland writes,

"In September 1961, Harvey Karlsen, a high school student in Brooklyn, New York, wrote to C. S. Lewis in England. Harvey had read Lewis’ book The Screwtape Letters and asked the author, “When you wrote this book, did Satan give you any trouble, and if he did, what did you do about it?”

Three weeks later, Lewis penned a reply in which he affirmed that he still had plenty of temptations. He said that in facing them, “Perhaps . . . the most important thing is to keep on; not to be discouraged however often one yields to the temptation, but always to pick yourself up again and ask forgiveness.”

Sounds very British doesn't it; "Keep on; not to be discouraged...pick yourself up again" The asking forgiveness as needed is very Biblical and true to life. Temptations and failure happen, we have set backs all the time. God is the one who knows us better than we know ourselves, keeping our walk with Him up to date and gaining victory beats giving up.

Today I fell again and picked up a few more bruises. Nothing serious but I admit I don't like the experience. But with experience I have gotten pretty good at treating the injuries as well. Immediate ice pack keeps the swelling down and speeds the healing. Indoor walking with Leslie Sansone also is helpful because it is something I can do without falling again.

Have you had some setback? Reality sinks in and we have to heal and take the steps needed for recovery. When I fell today a shot of pain went through me and I used some colorful language. Has that happened with you? I am glad there are words that go with pain. Amazing how the ice eases the pain. Writing now I feel pretty good. We can go through extremes rather quickly. Lewis' words encourage me. Keep on walking

 

Visit my bike page and other cool things

I came across a indoor biking routine from Cooper's Aerobics. I included the workout in a new page you can check out. Don't forget about the pages on the Fatman's site. They are good pages I think for spiritual and physical health. I up date them from time to time. I trust you find the blog helpful. I would love your feedback.
I understand walking and it's benefits I repeat quite often. I post new articles but I am aware they support the basic message of walking is good for you. Part of the freshness I believe will come as I challenge my self to get to a healthier weight. One of my psych medicines actually increases weight. I can't use that as an excuse but my must raise my activity level and be mindful of moderation in all things. I am fitting in clothes better and I have increased my water intake to curve appetite to process my medicine better.

Spencer West walking for clean water

Have you noticed celebrates who lose weight and then regain weight. I see this in retired jocks. Weight loss is harder than we think. Change of lifestyle I think is the key and change of thinking. But change happens slower than we want so hang in there.
Here is an update on Spencer West. He will walk 300 kilometers on his hand to raise money for clean water in Africa I believe. Wow! Where there is water there is life. Tony Bourdain got sicker than he ever experienced when visiting Liberia, West Africa and I bet he will tell you how important to cook with clean water is. Spencer you are a hero!
A read research on how exercise is an ally in the fight against breast cancer. It is something we can do to fight this disease. Mom's take a walk this mother's day for life.
Keep walking

http://www.medpagetoday.com/HematologyOncology/BreastCancer/38967

We can all benefit from an internet protected yet free

Thumbs up Officer Lawrence DePrimo, went
and bought boots. How many walked by
before him, Rings true of the good Samaritan.

The Chicago Tribune reports about international regulation of the Internet. I find the topic has great revelance to my Walk With the Fatman blog. I have readers from all over the world. I am amazed by the responce but I am not surprised by it. No matter where we live I think it is universal that we age and have health problems. Increasingly we have problems with sedimentary living and obesity. I am aware many places people have a different lifestyle and may be thinner. My blog stems from my experience and from what I have learned in my attempt to be healthier. Walking in particular keeps me moving to improved health. Along the way I share spiritual insights and stories of others who finished well in life. I try to be positive and I really do embrace the idea how diverse our world is and we all need room to think, share, agree or not.
I think it is fascinating to know what countries and regions readers of the Walk with the Fatman come from. It "wows" (amazes) me that the blog can be translated instantly into over 50 different languages. I would love to hear from each of you, post your opinions, pro and con. But I am also glad you can read my blog without myself or others knowing who you are.
I can share with you I am a flawed person, still over weight and as I go along I encounter problems and set backs. Not everybody has to be so public. I also give myself some room that it is possible some of my ideas you may disagree with. For sure your health plan is managed by you and your health-care provider.
On the Internet there is bad information. There are "wackos" (mentally unbalanced people), cons and criminals seeking to take advantage of you, where governments have to take steps to police abuse from the net. But we should also enjoy the idea that we can communicate to each other. It is a sadder place if we are cut off from each other. Health, walking, living better as we get older, spirituality I believe are things we all can contribute to. The Internet has a lot to offer.
I read today 1 in 10,000 will live to 100. Of those who live to 100 only 15% are men. I personally am shooting for 83. For sure I really can't control longevity, but 83 is a long life to me. Dr. Ken Cooper argues we can extend life into our 90's and beyond in Start Strong, Finish Strong. For sure I believe should live in away where each day can be lived better. Walking, strength training and flexibility all help. Keep walking
http://www.chicagotribune.com/business/technology/chi-bitter-fight-brewing-over-regulation-of-internet-20121127,0,3728980.story 

I am tired tonight, need a refuge

Th Lord is my refuge, but Barb is more than I
deserve

Ps. 57:1 "Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me, for in you my soul takes refuge; in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge, until the destroying storms pass by." When we walk in nature hikes sometimes a storm comes up and if we get time we look for a shelter to be protected until the storm passes. Some of these walks are refuges for wildlife and plants in themselves. Their refuge is from our interests that don't care about the habitat or wildlife that goes against development. As I walk trails preserved in urban development I am thankful for those who foresaw we needed such areas.  Probably every generation will have to fight for these protected areas.
Tonight, I am thinking of our own need to find a quiet place where we can take a personal refuge. All over our planet are many in danger with their health or harm from others and we need a time of safety and care. David writing crys' out to God to save him and protect him until the danger passes. In verse 3, God sends His loving kind, need are love and truth to be the basis for the shelter He provides. For us it may be medical  knowledge or protection from evil. My cousin has been fighting for his life with cancer. his health has improved, but the fight continues. Prayers are urgent and real.

The Lord is our Rock

For me I am just tired and needed a nap. Before I go to bed I will take a little refuge with the Lord. My room is quiet, I can hear the reassuring night sounds from the river and railway tracks. My Bible is opened to Ps. 57, my iPhone plays wonderful music. Yet in my city there are people in pain, abused and in fear tonight. A young man who was in my classes the last few years was shot and killed. He was a good kid to me. His family is in pain. The human willingness to take up a gun to use against one made in the image of the Lord, don't we see the evil in it. Lord be merciful to me as I take refuge in you. I am glad I have a shelter. I have added  few more pictures to my friends of people smiling on me. It is a good thought as I go to bed. I add 2 sit ups for each picture.
My walk was indoors today. With my nap it was a little late for a night walk. Where is your refuge? Sometimes it is the strength of my wife and kids. Many of you will find your kids will be a rock for you. As you were for your parents. I had 10 minutes with my son tonight. It was a refuge. He is a good man.  Keep walking